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Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
Just saw the most smartest person when i was in front of the mirror 😉
I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
I follow the quote, “Always be true to yourself” because I only lie to others!
I don’t go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me.
Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
If something's not going right, try left.
About to dance my feet silly!
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The longer the title the less important the job.
Dear problems… Please give me some discount… I am your regular customer.
Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You’re one of them.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
You can never buy love, but still you have to pay for it.
Why bother reading books? We have Eminem; he can read a whole story in 4 minutes.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday
Wife: I'm pregnant, what do you want it to be? Husband: A joke.
Everyone is normal until you add them as your Facebook friend.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?
I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention!
I really want to work so hard. But being lazy is so much fun.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
I’m not lazy, I prefer the term “selective participation”.
Relationship Status: COMING SOON
You can't be late until you show up.
Back in 5 minutes (If not, read this status again).
A big shout-out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money!